“You cannot understand me; I am beyond your
understanding, beyond what I appear on the outside.” A.H.
This is Puxatony Phil's story:
I will tell the account of what happened as told
through my point of view. To anyone who I allow to read this (very
few people are allowed) I presume you are elite enough to look
at this without judgment and treat me like any normal guy. You can observe what
I was thinking, maybe not understand it, but at least be able to form your
opinion of the event. I am open to a logical discussion about the events if it
is done in a non-worried and respectful way. I am always open to advice and can
do anything if I really try.
Saturday November 6, 2010, a couple of days after I
alerted people I would ride down the hill next to the library, and after
scouting out, seeing many trees and obstacles. I studied Quantitative methods
finished the problem. Feeling I had earned a break and needing to prove to
myself my wild side I decided to rent the bike at Plourde around 4 PM. I
listened to the song “Fadeaway” by Porcupine Tree, the song that I think about
when I imagine I will no longer be on this earth. I think about all days gone
by and hopefully remembered. But I know I must be here to enjoy any one
remembering the events of my life fondly so I don’t want to die. As I listen I know
this could be my last day on the earth, I know I will have no control once on
the bike. My dad had a Kawasaki Ninja and he pushed himself 90 plus mph on the
street and sold the bike fearing he would go too far. Thinking about how Evel
Knievel describes the suicidal feeling of looking over the ramp viewing the
cars or trucks to jump and turning around and going back up the ramp to jump.
He said it is the most suicidal feeling in the world. I rent the bike at
exactly 4:30 Pm. I have my back pack and tie my shoes, and pick the fastest
bike.
The bike rides
smoothly. I check the brakes and rocket up the hill towards Worcester hall,
turn down the hill full speed through the basketball courts as two spectators
watch me fly through the pathway between the baseball field and Plourde
building. I then ride flying by the pathways in front of Hagan and make a sharp
turn at full speed up the hill by Kennedy and behind the building up the
pathway towards the backside of Hagan. I rest to let the lactic acid subside
and see if the path I want to take is open, only one person stares at me. I
drive full speed and ride across the hill towards the library and over the bump
in the hill and lose my hat. I turn around laughing and grab the hat, and head
full speed for the chapel parking lot, make a sharp turn back towards the LLC.
It was here the nervous apprehension takes over again. I go by everyone, and of
course no one can see me unless I acknowledge them, I make a motion to two guys
that “I would go down this hill if there wasn’t a damn car parked at the
bottom” But I turn the bike facing towards the lamp post and went down at an
angle yelling “Woo Hoo” the pure exhilaration and speed lead me towards the
exit of campus. I suspected I may have made a disturbance and cops were after
me, but this was only a fantasy. Going full speed to the right of Testa, I jam the
brakes to avoid walkers and head down Salisbury Street.
It
was magnificent going down the country styled road that goes towards Wachusett
Mountain. I was reminded of the video
game “Road Rash” and I imagine that the gear shifter is the same as the one you
would find on a dirt bike. The hills slow me to a crawl and the lactic acid
burned incredibly. The hills give me speed and the afternoon is gorgeous with
woods on both sides. Getting up a huge hill I encouraged a jogger yelling and
laughing “keep it up, there is plenty of downhill ahead.” The speed I was
traveling was probably about 30 mph and I just kept my head down and focused so
as not to lose my hat again. I had to stay on the narrow space in between road
and yards. I observed the sign saying “Welcome to Holden”. Across the bridge
and to a Ford Dealership we go. I hung a right, thinking of the time I rode
with Joe Zucca and others in a loop that went down Salisbury Street. This was in a trip at night that lasted for an
hour and ended at West Boylston square. Somewhat confident this right was part
of that loop I headed down it and saw businesses on both sides and stopped at a
Honey Farms debating whether to get a much needed drink. It was then the adventurous personality
advocated exploring the industrial park to see if there were any good jumps. This personality told me this was in my
hometown of Marshfield. The safe personality was telling me “No this is
Worcester, turn around there is guard dogs, and the world is not nice.” The
wild personality was saying that I am welcome here and to drive on the
properties and find a line to drive on.
This personality berated the safe personality for not being wild
anymore, and being afraid to trespass on private property. Eventually the safe
personality stated dominantly that it knew more about the world and to turn
around, also stating protection is only available to those who obey the law. I
saw some dump trucks and thought of the joy of owning a business. I also thought that everything rusts, breaks
down and is destroyed so one must have God with them to live with any sense of
joy. I go past the train tracks to the Honey Farms outside the entrance of the
Industrial park.
Without hesitation I park
my bike and go in, and instantly the positive aromas of the food and drink in
the store, and Pearl Jam’s rendition of “The Last Kiss” made me feel the
enthusiasm of childhood. I counted my money and grabbed Elios pizza and a cherry
7 up. I have 17 cents to spare and I
momentarily loiter to retie my shoes and think. I think that with an adventure
like this, I have no idea where I am going end up. Meeting expectations is
boring and when I can’t meet up with them I feel like a failure. Out here is
none of that, and I laugh about how only the unpredictable are interesting. I
head down the road and come to a massive intersection but see the sign for 190
interstate and West Boylston. I cross all the lanes of the five plus way of the
intersection on my bike because I have a green light. Driving with traffic in a
four lane highway crossing over the bridge this is the thrill I have been
waiting for. I get to where the road appears to fork and decide to go straight.
The damn cross signals don’t ever let pedestrians go across so I cross the road
on my own accord. I head down the road further and after a while I take another
right. I am starting to feel fatigued but keep going eventually there are big
concrete walls reminiscent of the UMass medical center area off the Uxbridge
exit. Doubt plagues me as to where I am.
It is now that a
suicidal spirit encourages a passive attempt to end my life. This I will do by
blindly continuing on this trip hoping to get lost and not have the means to
get back. I have no gloves and I haven’t eaten anything since 1 PM, it is now
quarter of six pm. The temperature is 40 degrees Fareignheight and dropping, my
hands are numb. I cross the overpass of
interstate 190, and watch the cars rushing by. The sign says “Worcester next
two exits.” I come to the crest of a hill in which I can see every building in
the city. Flying down the hill full speed I sing the lyrics to The Verve’s “Weeping
Willow” a song about suicide. I also sing the lyrics to Porcupine Tree’s “Heart
Attack in a Lay By” a song about a guy dying before reconciling with his loved
ones. I focus enough to weave around pot holes, cars, lamp posts, guard rails
and stay on the curb to avoid being in the street with the 4 lane traffic. I
get to the on ramp where the sign says “190 interstate, Worcester, Fitchburg”.
I ponder the inevitability of returning where I had driven for hours. It is now
6 Pm and is getting very dark very fast.
I admit that I may have
to gear for a long night. I think about the previous night in which I read that
we must replace our bad habits with good habits. I decide that I have tried to
destroy myself by getting lost, I want to make headlines, but I know no one is immediately
concerned that I was gone. A positive life-saving spirit decides it is time to
take control. The whole experience and the fact it is getting dark and I am in
danger only serves to excite me. I have pushed myself into a hole and I am in a
town I don’t know. I know my photographic memory can trace all the turns back
to where I went even though the ride has gone on for over an 1 hour and a half
at this point. But this is boring, I
must find the wrong turn I made and continue on this loop to West Boylston. I
walk my bike up this massive hill, doubting if I shouldn’t have continued
forward, but the positive spirit is in control ready to battle all odds and
bail me out saying, “We are going back the long boring way.” I watch cars fly
by and realize I am tiring. I start to think about the Ritalin in my backpack.
Eventually I get all
the way back to where I think I should have gone right, I go by the Holden
legal department building and a dog barks at me, but I tell it to shut up and
drive full speed down this road that continually goes downhill. My hat goes
off, like the character in the video game I drop my bike on the grass and run
in the street to retrieve it and I gulp down the Cherry 7 up as well. I get on
my bike and tear down the street thinking this is my dream. I get to the end of
the road after a while and tell myself this isn’t working I must go back the
boring way. I see an old church and I am reminded of the time Tim and I drove
to Wachusett on those back roads. Seeing the railroad track I think this
Salisbury, but clearly seeing the sign “Holden Street” I call myself stupid. I turn into a neighborhood and thinking good
thoughts towards everyone living on that street I turn around. It is now almost
pitch dark. I am unseen on the bike. I start up the gradual hill and decide
that I need “the smart drug”. Oddly enough, I stop near the same house that I
had thrown down my bike and ran for the hat. I stop, grab the bottle of Ritalin
and take out the yellow pill, hold it firmly in my hands, not afraid to crush
it, right now I cannot see it as I fish for my 7 up. Instantly I down the pill and
feel goofy, energetic and wild eyed. I now have belief that I am superhuman. I
catch the eye of an oncoming truck and realize I am in the middle of the road
facing on-coming traffic. I laugh maniacally proud of myself for seeing this
and I get close to the curb. None of these cars can see me until the last
second and I never have any fear about it whatsoever. I just choose to avoid
the cars.
I am squeezed in between
the curb and the oncoming traffic. I hit the curb which bumps me into the oncoming
traffic. The car gently swerves. I turn around and I see the headlights of that
car with the right blinker on. I know he might turn around but probably will
not. I won’t be caught anyway and the fantasy in my mind builds that possibly
people are reporting a mad biker going into oncoming traffic. I also start to
think about anyone who I had made plans with on this day. Those who said they
wanted to ride bikes with me, but I have gladly chosen to be alone; I have no
concern for them. I did not want to wait for someone and the bike ride would
not have been as intense. I also feel at this point that my desire and quest
for a nighttime thrill is so strong that no plans with anyone like eating or
hanging out or whatever can satisfy me. I think that I am beyond civilian life
and understanding. Richard Ramirez’s court speech “I am beyond your
understanding” 1 continuously replays in my mind. I am only
concerned that I appear “crazy” and I race up the hill. I have had many
experiences where I appear suspicious and get in trouble for it. But I know all
the laws and try to abide by them. I know the cop will say to me, “you are 21
and you know the laws, ignorance is inexplicable.” I cross the street and make
the right I was supposed to take. I think that if I hadn’t taken this excursion
I could have been much closer back to Assumption College. I continue down the
road and pass by the “mount view middle school” but decide not to tear it up here
because it is on the other side of the street. Also the rush of facing oncoming
cars from a 4 lane highway is better than any baby bumps.
I am on the street and
two lanes of 40 plus traffic is whizzing by me. I am going in between people
walking and oncoming headlights blinding me. But I feel powerful, connected
with supernatural abilities to handle any situation. I hold my nerve and steer
the bike straight against dozens of oncoming cars for about a mile. I get to
the 5 way intersection and race across where there are cars coming in all
directions, the light turns yellow as I go across. There is no room on the road,
it is pitch dark and cars are flying around the corner. I keep going up against
the curb to avoid them. I am undaunted but decide to be safe and get on the
curb. I know I am near the Honey Farms and I race down a business flying on the
bike, the euphoric state2 of this amphetamine gives me a feeling of
rush that nothing compares to. I feel very excited that this is a night I will
never forget for better or worse. At this point my confidence is so-so of
whether or not I will get back. I am slightly concerned. But excited that it
may take longer, or be a crazier story, I still am pushing aside ideas of
trying to make a headline.
But I go past the
industrial park and Honey Farms that is lit up, and I see the Ford Dealership
and take that left. I know that I am on the way back. However it is pitch black
and I am crossing the bridge. There are tons of bumps, and my wild side says to
look out at the dark water under the bridge but I do so only momentarily. I
must put all my focus on trusting the bike to be straight, because a jerk has
their high beams on. I know that I cannot be seen. Immediately I am reminded of
how grueling this hilly, countryside road is and the lactic acid builds up
again. And I know that I am very tired, but still believe that I am ready for
an all night ride if it is warranted. I think about keeping the Plourde bike
overnight in Worcester I know this will get me banned from renting one again. I
start to think about reasons to battle through the fatigue and I know it honors
God to be thankful. I name ten people that want me to live. I start to think as
I am going down this pitch black road that I need to tone my wild side down,
having cheated death innumerably this night so far. I decide that I need the
courage to be boring, as I look at the countryside to the left of me. I heard
sounds brustling in the woods and I know animals may be there. I start to
flinch and get scared. But you must remain calm when on drugs and so I decide
on a non conflicting way of thought. I pressure myself to desire to be attacked
by the animals. I am on my bike, the head-on cars knew to get out of the way,
and so will the animals. I am aware of a headache coming on, and I never get
these when they are in my system, only when they are leaving and I am crashing.
This is my seventh straight day of Ritalin usage and this is unprecedented for
me. I know an overdose is possible. I start to think that is possible I might
feel tired. But I still think that it is not possible to be tired from the
several hours I drove the bike before taking the Ritalin. My mind shifts back
to rethinking my way of life.
I realize that my
parents care for me, my dad loves my mom and me when I show respect to both of
them. I think of people I love both friends and someone I like more than a
friend but quickly reject the thought that there is such a thing as community.
I know no will understand me. This whole experience so far has been very
positive and most will condemn me for sharing.
So I decide I won’t, I will go about my life, trying to do homework on a
Saturday night if I can. People will perceive me as something good but won’t
understand the forces within me. But I know I need to focus on my school work
and graduate somehow. Then everything will be fine I will get a job. The drugs
continue to give me a tingly feeling inside my brain and feel optimistic and
powerful. I also feel love towards everyone in the back of my mind, and decide
I am a social being and need others. I tearfully sing “Patience” by Guns n
Roses knowing I need patience with myself and others. I go by the road that leads to Charlie’s house
but don’t care to go down there, I am in this on my own, and he probably won’t
be home. I ride down the big hills and going 30 to 40 mph guided only by car
lights in this pitch dark is a rush I will never forget. I cross the street on
the bike and see a straight job truck coming head on, I don’t care what happens
and I have no fear whatsoever. I know he will see me, I will get as close to
the curb as possible and he will gently swerve away from me. He sees me at the
last moment and passes by a few feet apart from me. At last I turn towards the
carriage house on the left side of the road.
I am feeling incredibly
numb, my hands are almost frozen, but my jacket is full of sweat. I overlook
the campus and can see people walking together as part of a community. But I am
here by myself, I chose it this way because I cannot be understood and I know
that I am beyond their understanding. There is sadness that I am alone but I
love being on drug fueled adventures by myself. Haven’t met anyone who can
understand and appreciate these, but now I have no peer pressure. I decide
against riding my bike down the stairs of the admissions office onto the road
because I could get hit by a car, and I have proved to myself how courageous I
can be already in this unforgettable night. I stop in front of Testa Sciene
center and finish my 7 up. Another guy I know walks by with a friend saying he
didn’t recognize me, I tell them about the adventure in my normal way saying I
went to Holden and overcame traffic head-on. But this only elicits the kind of
concern that causes me to isolate myself from others. But he says he is glad I
made it back safely and he will see me in class. On Friday I put my status as
lifting weights and didn’t mention the rest of the night with the drug inspired
adventures. In this way people assume the best and leave me alone, because they
don’t understand the thrill of living this wildly. I sail through campus worried I won’t be able
to relate to anyone feeling this way. But I tell myself I can compartmentalize
and switch into a personality that is more outgoing. And so I greet a football
player. I race into Plourde and laugh at the destructive ride I took. It is now
7 pm. Will S. cannot find the slip, and says I could have stolen the bike. The
trip lasted 2.5 hours. I laughingly and
proudly and in a way that show no concern for my own safety I tell them about
how I got by dozens of on-coming cars on the highway. I feel no bitterness,
only the same euphoric2 tingliness in my brain that makes me laugh
as Will says Plourde doesn’t supply bike insurance or life insurance. The other
worker looks horrified as I continue to laugh uncontrollably about the night
had. I think that if guys aren’t laughing at this night it must have been
serious. I turn on my mp3 to “The Blind House” by Porcupine Tree and go into
the night. I realize I still need something to eat for the sake of my body
because the ordeal is not over.
Epilogue:
As a message to the
reader, I enjoyed every aspect and practically every moment of tonight. Even
being lost in Holden or some other town miles from Worcester I only saw as a
challenge. I appreciated every house and yard. I imagined the lives of those
who live there with a childhood enthusiasm. I only realize now that I am
extremely fatigued and possibly from everything that happened today. My body
was very tired but I felt energized from the “vitamin R”. My body and mind were
disconnected and that is very dangerous. This is what caused malnutrition and
other injuries in the past. I know that my interest in feeling supernatural
must go towards goodness. I must read books like Joel Osteen and Christianity like
I did on Friday night. This inspired me to work out. I must believe that good
is exciting and evil is banal. I must fully get on the correct path and desire
to connect with God to be protected from all disease and evil. I must make
decisions that bring good things down the road. I must connect to the “boring” part of my
personality and push through that boredom to discover the satisfying life I
have known on and off throughout my life. However, nobody knows what tomorrow
will bring.
Unclear References
1.
"It's nothing you'd understand, but I do
have something to say. In fact, I have a lot to say, but now is not the time or
place. I don't know why I'm wasting my time or breath. But what the hell? As
for what is said of my life, there have been lies in the past and there will be
lies in the future. I don't believe in the hypocritical, moralistic dogma of
this so-called civilized society. I need not look beyond this room to see all
the liars, hater, the killers, the crooks, the paranoid cowards--truly trematodes
of the Earth, each one in his own legal profession. You maggots make me sick--
hypocrites one and all. And no one knows that better than those who kill for
policy, clandestinely or openly, as do the governments of the world, which kill
in the name of God and country or for whatever reason the deem appropriate. I
don't need to hear all of society's rationalizations, I've heard them all
before and the fact remains that what is, is. You don't understand me. You are
not expected to. You are not capable of it. I am beyond your experience. I am
beyond good and evil, Legions of the night--night breed--repeat not the errors
of the Night Prowler and show no mercy. I will be avenged. Lucifer dwells
within us all. That's it" --Richard Ramirez's statement before he received
sentencing at his trial.
2.
Euphoria (pronounced /ju'fɔːɹiə/,
from Ancient Greek εὖ, "well", and φέρειν. "to bear") is medically
recognized as a mental/emotional state defined as a profound sense of well-being.[1]
Technically, euphoria is an effect,[2]
but the term is often colloquially used to define emotion as an intense state
of transcendent happiness combined with an overwhelming sense of contentment.
The word derives from Greek
εὐφορία,
"power of enduring easily, fertility".[3][4]
Euphoria
is generally considered to be an exaggerated physical and psychological state,
sometimes induced by the use of psychoactive drugs
